Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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