If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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