My hair reeks of homosexuality.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He? As in you personified your dick?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
