I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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