seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
