she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I want a musical about memes.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
