Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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