I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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