Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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