I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
