In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
