He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
