i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
