I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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