I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize