What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I need to calm my uterus...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
