I wish you could order shots online.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
