do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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