If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
