apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
