Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
