it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
