well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
