I just threw up on my dentist
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
