This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
