Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
