I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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