I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My vagina is officially offended.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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