He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
