Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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