I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
