just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
