Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
