I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
