He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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