Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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