She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
