I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This baby is an asshole
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
