I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
