It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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