OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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