But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
