just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize