so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize