my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
