Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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