Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
