I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
