Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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