I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
