I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
