I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
