i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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