Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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