I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
