he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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