my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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