An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
