She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
